this marks the end of my honeymoon. damn..
im not fearing whatever that comes ahead, im just dreading the long long journey that i still have ahead of me. i hope i have the stamina to last thru it. a lot of things have been running thru my head recently. but now as im about to type i cant seem to recall anything. oh..finally i say goodbye to my suck cock buddy, who has been my sec 2,3, and 4 classmate, bmt buddy, air wing buddy and afs buddy. he's the ultimate buddy! life's gonna be a bit different without him now. and i still have such a long way to go. somehow i feel that this is the phase where im gonna learn the most,learn how to adapt and hopefully achieve something. i have some inner demons to dispel as well. maybe this is fate's way of wanting me to dispel my inner demons. i know for sure that if i do not face up to it, it is something that will bug me for a long long time to come, for such is the weakness of my character. i shall hafta find a way to redeem myself.
im still stuck in between all my choices, but time is not being kind on me. k i think im asking for too much. i want my training time to fly by, yet i want the time for making decisions to slow down indefinitely. we're talking abt the same 24 hrs here, and im being idiotic i know, and yes fickle as well. but this probably concerns how my life is gonna be like in the next 20 years, or more. i dun wanna do something tht i might regret later. But i guess at this point of time the answer is alr pretty obvious.
isnt it true that if we do self evaluation, we are able to improve ourselves? thats why one of the many zi guy said b4 "wu ri san xing wu shen" meaning everyday we wld hafta reflect on three aspects of ourselves. but that is a damn big problem for me. cuz of this self evaluation shit, i always end up thinking too much. it has caused me to fail twice already, so why am i falling into this trap and making the same mistake again?? dont think, just do. that is the one way track to failure. but once i start thinking, i would nv get down to doing cuz i include everything in the equation and then try to weigh the situation. i can never do so because the factors are all inter-twined. i would then dilly dally some more, trying very hard to decide and before i know it *poof* the opportunity disappears right under my nose. i can so jolly well predict the ending, but for some unknown reason i would still end up eating my own dust. i need a damned solution!
im damn incoherent, but heck, who gives a shit. i doubt anybody still absorbs this shit on a regular basis. this has really become my toiletbowl. only i am able to see the shit inside it clearly. all the others are able to discern are tha occasional telling farts and the synonymous flushing sound which comes across as a barrage of sound waves but actually say nothing.

we live life only once. how true that is. haha true to the chinese saying that only when you are drunk do heartfelt words spill outta your mouth. haha nopes i wasn't drunk. it was not me. but it is rather true. i am sorta at the crossroads of my life now. there is still a lot that i would haf to grapple with. i am faced with many choices, but i have to make one eventually. every decision has its good and bad. in fact, there are quite a few decisions i have to make, as in mini decisions, along with my major decision that would most probably determine what i would be doing for the next ten years of my life. im hopelessly lost. every decision entails a lot of what is to come. however, me being the cynic i am, never fails to zoom in on the bad aspect of my would be decisions. im honestly seriously not doing well now. i dun think i would be able to go far if i stay. it is not me. rather im not used to it. thus even though ive been trying very hard to get out of my comfort zone and try to do something, it isnt helping at all. my performance is still as it has always been-stagnant-and worse of all- not up to mark. after the information barrage just now, i am left more confused than ever, as there are too many things that i have to consider before i put pen on paper. it is not as simple as i once thought.
never mind about that.
i realised something. In the process of trying to make myself not succumb to monophobia, im slowly evolving into a different person than i previously was. yes, now i do not suffer from monophobia. i do not mind doing many things alone. but at the same time, i have also lost the craving for inter human interaction, which was once central to my life. i neglected the need open up, hence im closing up. to say that im now a recluse would not be too far from the truth. deep down, im telling myself that this is not me, this is not right. but why is it that i cannot stop being the way i am, no matter how hard i try? true i went thru bouts of that in many different stages of my life, but it was never as bad as this. i always use the fact that i only open up to familiar people to comfort myself, but it is not really working as of now.deep down in me, i just do not feel the need for any interaction with people anymore, since i can manage fine alone, and it is really more interesting to take a step back a view things from a third party's detached angle. but whatever it is, if i keep this up, things are not gonna be easy on me. we shall see how. for now, i just wanna slow down, and see how.
and im not not gonna get too friendly with anybody. its just a passing phase, and a side effect of being too lonely. it is not a true reflection of how i feel. im trying not to reminisce, and allow myself to think that there is something, but with all that is happening now, its hard, its really hard.

David just made me realise something unknowingly. my instructors treat us like idiots. As such, they have to give us idiot proof instructions, like saying things that are damn duh. for example,
"gentleman, many of you did not pass your tests. I.E. to say, many of you all failed. UN-DER-STAND??" -_-

anyway, im sick! Down with flu cough fever nausea and headache. dammit. i hafn been sick for such a long time la. So now i do not need to book in. I.E. to say, im skipping my test and parade tmr! yeah!! but sian la. now my clean sheet is scribbled on liao. sia la. and i was thinking this weekend since i did not make any plans i shd go out with my parents and spend some time with them.hafn done so for ages. well yes, in the end i did spend time with them-at the 24 hr clinic at tmc. -_-
but it is at times like this that you realise how much ur family care for you, esp your parents. they kept insisting that i go to the doc till i agreed. i was feeling sore all over and was not in a really amicable mood. once they had identified that i was really sick, i did not control myself anymore, and jus let go at them. i riased my voice qt a number of times over stupid things, because i was feeling really uncomfortable. they did not once scold me, or reprimanded me in any sort. even when i raised my voice at them, they just nodded and continued trying to make me feel better. deep down, i knew i was acting like the biggest moron on earth, and i was really seriously touched the way they fussed over me, even though i was already an adult. it was till the point that i felt embarrassed, but i was feeling really miserable and din give a damn anymore. never once did they complain, kept asking if i was well, and did not sleep thru the night, checking on me every now and then. when i was woken up by them, i shouted at them to not disturb me. i felt very bad, but my agony was taking a toll on me and i had already endured the whole afternoon while assuring them that i was ok. even just now, they did not dare to go out of the house, until i convinced them that i was ok and they could go out. even when going out for a meal, they called me a zillion times to ask me wad i wanted to eat and if i was feeling alright.

i saw something in this two days that i nv seemed to realise for the 19 years of my life. all along i had taken them for granted and was not appreciative of all that they had done. even sis is becoming damn nice to me. last week, she bought a durian ice cream for me even though she hated the smell of durian and she onli earned 12 bucks for her 3 hours of sai gang. i know its a little late to realise, but hey better late then never rite? some words i jus cant spit out of my golden mouth, but i hope that they understand how important they are to me.

wah tis is gay..nvm..